i like your moxie

You're Queer

2011-11-27T22:07:00.000-08:00

I've lost all perspective

Can't tell if your eyes are sleazy

Or as warm as a family kitchen party

Distance and opportunity have driven the desire

To question the meanings of your actions from my heart

I hold my breath and try to make my eyes bigger so I can understand

Your inside jokes and rabid techno-speak

Just making a mess of it

Clinically

Like an engine that runs off too many sirens and the attention of too many men

FUCK PORTION CONTROL

2011-09-18T17:21:00.000-07:00

“Tell me the secret of your passion,” he requested, with a smile in his eyes that spoke of his enthusiasm for the answer to come.

“Orgasms and transcendental happiness through food preparation”, she replied without hesitation.

He raised his eyebrows slightly and grinned, his jaw line breaking her heart in the process. She wanted desperately to lick his teeth.

“I heard you wrote the book on that,” he said.

“I am the book on that,” she replied and pulled him close enough to see the dark starburst in his chocolate brown eyes.

“Read me,” she whispered. “Riffle through my pages and write little notes of your thoughts in the margins of my text.”

It was then that he delicately eased his fingers through the paper of her, enjoying not only the text, but the texture beneath his skin...tracing small patterns along the page, tasting her work as he indulged in his own.

She sighed deeply and spread her pages open to his delicate fingering, giving up her secret recipes and her hidden patterns to his unabashed and hungry exploration.

His breath came quicker and, intoxicated by the stimulation, he ventured deeper within her volume, greedily consuming every drop that she offered, her lessons becoming cerebral as a feast for every sense.

Murmuring mouth-watering theories of quantum entrées and loving haikus describing sweet endings into the ears of his fingertips, her pages folded themselves into origami cranes that cried out descriptions of beauty and consumption.

Her spine began to contract and it was there, in his context, that she found a new and utterly eclipsing concoction; one consisting of salty cream, sweet juices, mysterious fruit, and chocolate velvet.

From that moment on, her mouth would never want for anything else.

Imminent

2011-09-12T14:04:00.000-07:00

I wake so you can sleep.

It’s my turn on watch and I must remain vigilant.

For what, I’m not sure.

Moans and sighs that don’t penetrate the soul,

hearts that won’t, or can’t, rapture,

all the souls that have your face and your eyes and are not heard?

Can I face what’s on its way?

Yes.

Can’t stop loving.

I won’t stop now, what I’m doing.

Flutterby

2011-08-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

you couldn't remember the name because you hadn't met me yet.
please provide a complete transcript of your complexity.
our boys in the lab have gone for ice cream but when they get back,
a full spectrum analysis will be run and all your controls will be charted.
you know my name but a new one can be assigned at will.
geographical location is impractical, necessary and deviant.
your black hole sinks me through the centre of the earth.
it fits me perfectly.
building towers and tunnels takes time but i'm open.

Another Apocalypse

2011-05-09T11:03:00.000-07:00

So, apparently, the bible has guaranteed the end of the world (and universe for good fucking measure) on May 21, 2011. It must be true since I've seen several recreational vehicles telling me so. I read an article the other day that said that true believers have quit their jobs, taken out all their savings and have removed their children from school to be able to fully enjoy their last remaining days before the end of all our shiznit. These people believe that if they wake up on earth on May 22nd and have not gone to heaven, that they must be in hell.

a) these people believe that even questioning the truth of the date of these 'end-times' is an affront to god.

b) they will have nothing left as of May 22. No money, no jobs, no homes, no stability.

c) these people will truly believe that they are in hell.

So what now, crazies? Will they see everyone else as demons or just fellow hell dwellers who are suffering along with them? With their god having forsaken them and with nothing left to hold onto as a source of strength or a moral compass, will they simply go banana sandwiches and start destroying the 'demons' that they see around them?

Can't wait to see how these folks react to the complete and utter lack of an apocalypse on May 22, 2011. I think it will be more fun than the whole Y2K hysteria, for sure.

am i wearing underwear?

2010-10-06T12:51:00.000-07:00

my lungs are just emerging

but already they are full of all argy-bargy

so fresh

blackish

caution: contents hot

i've checked all the windows

but i can't find the reason for all these alarms

diverse alarms

for abnormal things

checking the levels now...

so distracting, all these rods and cones and dirty ankles

grace

2009-10-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

funeral homes and rape fantasies
that's two kinds of healing power
medicine
he wasn't there again today
oh how i wish he'd go away
in heaven everything is fine

happy thanksgiving!

2009-10-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

i really don't like pumpkin pie. like, i'd rather eat spark plugs or candles. i'd rather, literally, develop a serious disorder called 'pika' than eat fucking pumpkin pie. and people keep insisting on trying to shove that garbage in my face. all year long even! i mean outside of thanksgiving! it's like a g.d. conspiracy! who has pumpkin pie when it's not thanksgiving? NO ONE! and now that it's ACTUALLY thanksgiving? get the fuck outta here man. STOP TRYING TO SHOVE THAT POISON IN MY FACE! THAT WHIPPED CREAM DOESN'T HELP!!! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!! GAK! PLBT! SPT!

25 plus one random yet disarmingly honest things about me

2009-02-03T17:29:00.000-08:00

1. i hate capitalization.
2. i can’t stand unglazed pottery. i absolutely can not lay hands nor eyeballs on the stuff. it makes me want to claw my own skin off. Gggggeeeeeeerrrrrraaaaaaggggggrrrrrraaaaaahhhhh!
3. i am a safe, competent, defensive driver but as soon as i have to park or back up i go all jellybelly and it’s like i’ve never driven a car in my entire life before.
4. i love to cook but i don’t do it as much as i would like and nothing i make ever tastes as good as i want it to.
5. i secretly wish i was a writer but i don’t think that anything i have to say is really important enough to even bother. i have this blog but i assume that anything i put there won’t be seen by anyone except maybe my sister. any time someone tells me they read and/or liked my blog i become a stammering, drooling, thankful dork.
6. i would like to think of myself as a tough, kickassy chick who could smash a face, if need be, but in reality i bruise like a peach which is a constant source of embarrassment to me.
7. i hate it when people tell me all about the book they’re reading and then insist on lending it to me even when i don’t appear interested. i end up resenting the book the entire time it’s in my reluctant possession and i usually don’t read it. yet i love to tell people all about what i’m reading and then try to lend my book to them.
8. i’m really bad at life. i’m in debt, i don’t clean the house or do my laundry enough, i have no personal filing system, i haven’t done my taxes in three years, the list goes on and on and yet i’m uber capable and organized at work. i am slowly shifting my work focus to my home life and i’m optimistic that in around 7 years or so i will be good at life.
9. i almost always wear black and the color black dictates my consumerism habits in general but my favorite color is orange.
10. i strive to always be on time.
11. i want everyone to like me all the time and i use humor to accomplish this. sometimes it works and sometimes i just end up looking like an asshole.
12. i will often attempt to recycle comedy stylings well after their due date has expired.
13. i hate it when people/friends get weird with me for unexplained reasons or for reasons which, even when explained, make no goddamn sense.
14. my superhero power is validating others. i’m very validaty.
15. i often make up words that have no business in the english language.
16. i love little things. baby trees, barbie accessories, newborn’s shoes, etc. because they make me feel HUGE.
17. i made my own tarot deck. it’s weird and dark and quirky and funny and it has nothing at all to do with the actual tarot. ask me to give you a reading!
18. i positively adore quirky, witty, left-brained people.
19. i like baseball and hockey and i enjoy watching competitive sports in a social environment but i hate participating in competitive sports. i hate the pressure of it. even poker raises my blood pressure to an uncomfortable level.
20. i was 32 before i developed a solid work ethic.
21. i had a wonderful group of friends in edmonton but when i moved back to saskatoon it seemed too hard to keep up even the most casual of acquaintanceships and now all i miss is the food.
22. i brush my teeth in the shower.
23. i’ve had whiplash like, i don’t know, 17 times.
24. i like cereal but hate milk.
25. i am not nearly as confident as most people think i am and i pretty much need constant validation.

oh yeah, and i FUCKING LOVE MOUSE MOVIES!

guess the inspiration

2009-02-01T15:11:00.000-08:00

what can’t we fake if we're together?
something unnatural and it’s only happening to us
commercial advertisements for glowering demons
i gave birth to a pterodactyl
murmur volumes of your investigations
proportionally inappropriate
i’ll fight to keep you
ass to mouth profiling
you make me complete?
i do know about this stuff
texturally inappropriate
emphatically retracting the statement
yes this is fun for me
i'll never let you go but there’s just one thing
it’s like a retro-pastiche nightmare about a plague
by the way, I’m not wearing underwear
me vs. you
categorically inappropriate

The Less Personally Informative But More Obscure Version of the ABC's of Me

2008-12-07T19:07:00.000-08:00

A - APOPLECTIC?: jd'kgfaah[ard;lfkgnaal!!!!!!!!

B - BLACKMAILED?: Not yet, but if you send me a self-addressed stamped envelope, I will send you a detailed list of all my peccadillos.

C - CLONES OR CYBORGS?: Cyborgs. Definitely. Hooray for hydraulics!

D - FAVORITE DOUBLE-ENTENDRE?: Girl walks into a bar and orders a double-entendre from the bartender...so HE GAVE IT TO HER!

E - EBONICS?: Fo shizzle my nizzle.

F - FECKLESS OR FACILE?: I do have a knack for insouciance.

G - GOD-FEARING OR INCREDULOUS?: Hot girls go for incredulity.

H - HABBERDASHER OR HAGGARD?: Well, I'm not a british dandy, so I'll go with the latter.

I - FAVORITE INNUENDO?: Do you want to come over to my place and feed my beaver some wood? (Although beavers do find the term pejorative. They prefer 'vagina squirrel'.)

J - JUNK IN THE TRUNK?: Baby has certainly got back.

K - KETCHUP OR CATSUP?: Ketchup. What? K is hard.

L - LAMBASTED?: Better men than you have tried and failed.

M - MANGINA OR SPAMPURSE?: I do love mangina.

N - NAMBY-PAMBY OR GORMLESS TOMFOOL?: Neither. Cotton-headed ninny-muggins.

O - ON THE WAGON?: On the wha? I don't understand your crazy moon-language.

P - PANTS-LESS OR PANTS-FREE?: I do my best.

Q - QUIRK?: I can't touch unglazed pottery.

R- RECIDIVISM?: No way, man! I can't go back there, man! THEY'LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST!

S - SCOFFLAW?: Arrested once. Stole a cooking pot.

T - TATTOO OF A STICK FIGURE HOLDING A MARTINI GLASS AND WIELDING A SWORD?: Yes please!

U - ULULATIONS?: Mostly cries of Jihad.

V - VAGARY?: My dossier does contain various shenanigans and/or monkeyshines.

W - WALKER, TEXAS RANGER?: Absolutely. Because we all know that Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

X - XERASIA?: My hair is lustrous and well moisturized, thank you.

Y - YEASTY OR CANDIDA-FREE?: I wipe front to back.

Z - ZEE FRENCH MOUSTACHE?: What I do with my downstairs is none of your business!

I'm sorry. I'm all messed up on cough syrup right now, so just like, nevermind.

i can feel your heartbeat in the centre of my back

2008-01-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

your contrary nature intrudes on my spine so i press closer and oversubscribe to your oversights.

i close my eyes until redemption songs, car bombs, evolution and bravado fill the space between my lips and my battle cry.

you batter at me with your carking doubts and your carnal knowledge until i consent to your gateway drug, your groupthink, your Gruyère.

gypsy moths smash themselves into the light and their homogeny is depressing so you tell me stories of gaucho goths, blushing vicars, blooming ghosts, surgical procedures and docile animals waiting for little deaths.

i ask for a do-over and with epiphanic generosity you forgive my feckless feminine caritas and we entwine and we drink and we find in this bed some tidy vanity, a tangential resolution and the rabbit's foot that we had been looking for all along.

Friends with ADD (and it's hyperactive cousin ADHD)

2007-07-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

Some delightful friends were in town this weekend from the steaming metropolis of Toronto. It was so great to spend even the tiniest bit of time with them as Todd and Robert are two of the most hilarious and beautiful people on the planet, not to mention the sweetest couple ever. They have perfected the art of cute banter where they can get away with little barbs and take shots at each other because they know it's meant entirely in fun. They have developed their own language and they have a little clicky sound that they make if they are in a crowd and want to get the other person's attention. They are constantly aware of each other and let each other know what's going on at any given time (just in case one of them has drifted out - which people with ADD do tend to do.)

Todd is all over the place (due to rampant ADD which, apparently, is helped by massive doses of E once a month...go figure). He can simultaneously carry on a conversation with 3 of the 4 cats in the house, play with matches, change his outfit, create a new business plan, smoke a joint and hire a dog to burn down a hospital. I'm hard pressed to get past my complete incredulity to come up with pithy ripostes to his wild irreverence (but I manage okay).

Robert is one of the most beautiful Italian men ever (women basically throw their cunts at him - in Home Depot no less! - especially when he wears his cute little tam from H & M) and he makes the meanest cup of Italian coffee I've ever had. He's soft spoken but not shy and is just as funny and attentionally challenged as Todd. His style is im-fucking-peccable.

The two of them should have their own blog but according to Todd he would get 3 sentences in and then tell the reader to 'figure it out for yourself'!

I wish more people were as free-spirited as these beautiful men. Love you boys!

Texting Sucks

2007-06-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

I'm concernicus about this cell phone texting business. I'm relatively new to the whole thing since becoming single and lousy with men and I've yet to grasp the shorthand or the etiquette. It takes me FOREVER to type the meagerest of messages and I find myself using words like 'addendum'. And just what the eff is up with all these grown men using the term 'lol'? That is completely unacceptable unless you're a 14 year old girl on myspace. Even then, it makes me kind of stabby. Just type 'ha'. It's one less letter even! And when you're having a delightful back-and-forth how do you know when your conversation is over? It's not like you text 'Good bye'. It's like phone conversations on American TV where people just hang up! It's so random. There's no closure dammit! I want closure! I can only hope that my determination to be verbose and my dedication to spelling out laughter in text messages will make the world a slightly better and less...dumber place.

Boobies!!!

2007-06-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

Listen, everyone likes boobies. I like 'em. You like 'em. So let's talk about boobies for a moment shall we?

First of all, ladies should name their own boobs. It's a very personal thing, this naming of the rack, and guys very rarely get it right. They tend to come up with childish and degrading names that no self-respecting woman would feel comfortable admitting to her friends (or random party-goers). I named my own and will readily share this information with anyone; people on the bus, business associates, my grandparents, random looky-loos, whoever shows an interest, really (note: they don't actually have to show an interest; they could be conversing with me on any number of unrelated topics or just standing there looking disinterested and that's good enough for me!). My left boob is 'Boomer' and my right boob is 'Portia'. Boomer is a little white trash. She likes meatloaf, instant mashed potatoes and Lucky Lager. She likes to go to the Speedway and show a little 'whale-tail'. Portia is a little more classy. She likes Veal Marsala and a nice Shiraz. She likes to curl up with a chenille throw and watch foreign films. Both are delightful in their own particular idiom.

Now, personally, I like to offer my friends an all-access pass to my boobs (sometimes the people in line behind me at Safeway get a one-time pass for, say, an exciting new bra purchase). It always makes for a good party. 60% of the time, it works everytime. At the very least, any given party will get at least one flash for funsies but generally I like to offer a poke. Just a fingertip poke to the side boob. It's thrilling but not too invasive and almost medically detached. Everyone wins. If I likes ya enough you'll get full hand grabby access but it may depend on my mood. Super duper special friends (I'm talking about you, Brian) get full privileges regardless of my mood. Doesn't matter if I'm all menses-ed up and they're sore or if we're enjoying a nice Big Bacon Classic and sody-pop at Wendy's...they're available because my friends are great people and they deserve it. It's the least I can do.

So the next time you're looking to spice up a pooped-out party or just want to show a friend that you care, show your boobs and encourage your friends to do the same because, much akin to the Lay's potato chip (BBQ please), one is never enough.

Waste Some Time - Hilarity Ensues

2007-05-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

Here are some tasty links to things I enjoy. Websites, videos, cartoons, etc. in no particular order:

The End of the World: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end.php

Sloths: http://youtube.com/watch?v=7LAZgcC3jgo

Just 2 Guys: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Nt2OVAgkHBc

McSweeney's: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/

Go Fug Yourself: http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/

Red Meat: http://www.redmeat.com/redmeat/

Rum and Monkey: http://rumandmonkey.com/
particularly the Tests and Widgets: http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/

Video Dating Tape by David Firth (this website is most definitely not for everyone, kinda awful): http://www.fat-pie.com/vdt.htm and if you actually liked this, you should also watch all of the 'Salad Fingers' cartoons.

Zach Braff

2007-05-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on the hotness of Zach Braff.

He is a brilliant writer, an inexplicably talented director for how young he is and an unbelievably hilarious actor (I am obviously not taking into account the mess that was "The Last Kiss" but I attribute the movie's failings to having not had Zach both writing and directing that bitch; I am referring, of course, to Garden State which is quietly and confidently one of the best movies ever made).

He is by no means classically good looking but he is so interesting looking (my god those lips!). You know how some really good looking people get boring after you've seen their face everywhere? I mean, who even thinks that Brad Pitt is good looking anymore? Surely we've all had more than enough of his gracefully aging mug by now. But I can watch my DVDs of Scrubs over and over and over and still have a slideshow of nothing but Zach Braff pictures scrolling on my desktop as my screen saver.

Zach is childlike (eagle!) yet somehow he exudes a confidence that manages to charm the pants off of me while still seeming wildly approachable. Who else in Hollywood today boasts the containment of such contradiction?

My Contribution to the Parlance of the Times

2007-05-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ejactose+intolerant

Zombie Hordes

2007-05-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

When the zombie hordes come, and they will, we'll need a plan people! I've discussed this with friends, a lot, and I've heard some pretty goddamn good ideas.

1) Seal yourself in a building - probably some kind of three-story walk up would be best - go to the roof with a cinder block on a rope and just start dropping it on those soft squishy zombie heads and pulling it back up. You'll never run out of bullets plus you'd get so buff.

2) My cousin Sarah and I came up with the concept of some kind of refrigerated semi with a swivelling gun turret/firethrower mounted on top. Good thing about this is, it only needs 2 people to work - one to drive and one to kill things and eventually it will be just the 2 of you as the zombies will kill off all your friends. And also, it should have some kind of cow-catcher mounted to the front.

3) I can't stress this enough. When your friend and/or family member gets bitten by a zombie, and they will, you should kill them. Not now but right now.

4) Don't bring stupid people with you on your dangerous trek to a remote area in the prairies (which will be inexplicably populated with several zombies). These morons will get you killed by not really understanding the gravitas of the situation, leaving a door open and jeopardizing everyone's life to save a puppy. If they somehow manage to tag along - perhaps it's your friend's idiot girlfriend or your little brother - you should kill them at the first available opportunity.

5) Break into some kind of heavy machinery dealership and steal a giant tractor of some description that will be big enough to knock shit down and carry all of your friends.

Note: Fast zombies aren't real. The real zombies are the re-animated dead. Their brains are deteriorating, decomposing and another d-word that I don't even know and will therefore be all shambly and will have the mental capacity of a vole. They will not learn how to use guns. It's science.

So let's go out there and survive this thing! Who's with me?