you couldn't remember the name because you hadn't met me yet.
please provide a complete transcript of your complexity.
our boys in the lab have gone for ice cream but when they get back,
a full spectrum analysis will be run and all your controls will be charted.
you know my name but a new one can be assigned at will.
geographical location is impractical, necessary and deviant.
your black hole sinks me through the centre of the earth.
it fits me perfectly.
building towers and tunnels takes time but i'm open.
it's chock-a-block with verbosity, hyperbole, alliteration and nougat-y fuck. oh, and probably lots of unnecessary punctuation...and very little capitalization...but probably not any actual nougat-y fuck. i wouldn't even know where to find any of that.
am i wearing underwear?
my lungs are just emerging
but already they are full of all argy-bargy
so fresh
blackish
caution: contents hot
i've checked all the windows
but i can't find the reason for all these alarms
diverse alarms
for abnormal things
checking the levels now...
so distracting, all these rods and cones and dirty ankles
grace
funeral homes and rape fantasies
that's two kinds of healing power
medicine
he wasn't there again today
oh how i wish he'd go away
in heaven everything is fine
that's two kinds of healing power
medicine
he wasn't there again today
oh how i wish he'd go away
in heaven everything is fine
happy thanksgiving!
i really don't like pumpkin pie. like, i'd rather eat spark plugs or candles. i'd rather, literally, develop a serious disorder called 'pika' than eat fucking pumpkin pie. and people keep insisting on trying to shove that garbage in my face. all year long even! i mean outside of thanksgiving! it's like a g.d. conspiracy! who has pumpkin pie when it's not thanksgiving? NO ONE! and now that it's ACTUALLY thanksgiving? get the fuck outta here man. STOP TRYING TO SHOVE THAT POISON IN MY FACE! THAT WHIPPED CREAM DOESN'T HELP!!! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!! GAK! PLBT! SPT!
25 plus one random yet disarmingly honest things about me
1. i will often eschew capitalization because I'm lazy (technically two things about me).
2. i can’t stand unglazed pottery. i absolutely can not lay hands nor eyeballs on the stuff. it makes me want to claw my own skin off. Gggggeeeeeeerrrrrraaaaaaggggggrrrrrraaaaaahhhhh!
3. i am a safe, competent, defensive driver but as soon as i have to park or back up it’s like i’ve never driven a car in my entire life before.
4. i love to cook but i don’t do it as much as i would like and nothing i make ever tastes as good as i want it to.
5. i secretly wish i was a writer.
6. i would like to think of myself as a tough, kickassy chick who could smash a face, if need be, but in reality i bruise like a peach which is a constant source of embarrassment to me.
7. i hate it when people tell me all about the book they’re reading and then insist on lending it to me even when i don’t appear interested. i end up resenting the book the entire time it’s in my reluctant possession and i usually don’t read it. yet i love to tell people all about what i’m reading and then try to lend my book to them.
8. i’m really bad at life. i’m in debt, i don’t clean the house or do my laundry enough, i have no personal filing system, i haven’t done my taxes in three years, the list goes on and on and yet i’m uber capable and organized at work. i am slowly shifting my work focus to my home life and i’m optimistic that in around 7 years or so i expect to be good at life.
9. i almost always wear black and the color black dictates my consumerism habits in general but my favorite color is orange.
10. i strive to always be on time.
11. i want everyone to like me all the time and i use humor to accomplish this. sometimes it works and sometimes i just end up looking like an asshole.
12. i will often attempt to recycle comedy stylings well after their due date has expired.
13. i hate it when people/friends get weird with me for unexplained reasons or for reasons which, even when explained, make no goddamn sense.
14. my superhero power is validating others. i’m very validaty.
15. i often make up words that have no business in the english language.
16. i love little things. baby trees, barbie accessories, newborn’s shoes, etc. because they make me feel HUGE.
17. i made my own tarot deck. it’s weird and dark and quirky and funny and it has nothing at all to do with the actual tarot. ask me to give you a reading!
18. i positively adore quirky, witty, clever people who can be smart and ridiculous at the same time.
19. i like baseball and hockey and i enjoy watching competitive sports in a social environment but i hate participating in competitive sports. i hate the pressure of it. even poker raises my blood pressure to an uncomfortable level.
20. i was 32 before i developed a solid work ethic.
21. i own several weapons.
22. i brush my teeth in the shower.
23. i’ve had whiplash like, i don’t know, 17 times.
24. i like cereal but hate milk.
25. i am not nearly as confident as most people think i am and i pretty much need constant validation.
oh yeah, and i FUCKING LOVE MOUSE MOVIES!
2. i can’t stand unglazed pottery. i absolutely can not lay hands nor eyeballs on the stuff. it makes me want to claw my own skin off. Gggggeeeeeeerrrrrraaaaaaggggggrrrrrraaaaaahhhhh!
3. i am a safe, competent, defensive driver but as soon as i have to park or back up it’s like i’ve never driven a car in my entire life before.
4. i love to cook but i don’t do it as much as i would like and nothing i make ever tastes as good as i want it to.
5. i secretly wish i was a writer.
6. i would like to think of myself as a tough, kickassy chick who could smash a face, if need be, but in reality i bruise like a peach which is a constant source of embarrassment to me.
7. i hate it when people tell me all about the book they’re reading and then insist on lending it to me even when i don’t appear interested. i end up resenting the book the entire time it’s in my reluctant possession and i usually don’t read it. yet i love to tell people all about what i’m reading and then try to lend my book to them.
8. i’m really bad at life. i’m in debt, i don’t clean the house or do my laundry enough, i have no personal filing system, i haven’t done my taxes in three years, the list goes on and on and yet i’m uber capable and organized at work. i am slowly shifting my work focus to my home life and i’m optimistic that in around 7 years or so i expect to be good at life.
9. i almost always wear black and the color black dictates my consumerism habits in general but my favorite color is orange.
10. i strive to always be on time.
11. i want everyone to like me all the time and i use humor to accomplish this. sometimes it works and sometimes i just end up looking like an asshole.
12. i will often attempt to recycle comedy stylings well after their due date has expired.
13. i hate it when people/friends get weird with me for unexplained reasons or for reasons which, even when explained, make no goddamn sense.
14. my superhero power is validating others. i’m very validaty.
15. i often make up words that have no business in the english language.
16. i love little things. baby trees, barbie accessories, newborn’s shoes, etc. because they make me feel HUGE.
17. i made my own tarot deck. it’s weird and dark and quirky and funny and it has nothing at all to do with the actual tarot. ask me to give you a reading!
18. i positively adore quirky, witty, clever people who can be smart and ridiculous at the same time.
19. i like baseball and hockey and i enjoy watching competitive sports in a social environment but i hate participating in competitive sports. i hate the pressure of it. even poker raises my blood pressure to an uncomfortable level.
20. i was 32 before i developed a solid work ethic.
21. i own several weapons.
22. i brush my teeth in the shower.
23. i’ve had whiplash like, i don’t know, 17 times.
24. i like cereal but hate milk.
25. i am not nearly as confident as most people think i am and i pretty much need constant validation.
oh yeah, and i FUCKING LOVE MOUSE MOVIES!
guess the inspiration
what can’t we fake if we're together?
something unnatural and it’s only happening to us
commercial advertisements for glowering demons
i gave birth to a pterodactyl
murmur volumes of your investigations
proportionally inappropriate
i’ll fight to keep you
ass to mouth profiling
you make me complete?
i do know about this stuff
texturally inappropriate
emphatically retracting the statement
yes this is fun for me
i'll never let you go but there’s just one thing
it’s like a retro-pastiche nightmare about a plague
by the way, I’m not wearing underwear
me vs. you
categorically inappropriate
something unnatural and it’s only happening to us
commercial advertisements for glowering demons
i gave birth to a pterodactyl
murmur volumes of your investigations
proportionally inappropriate
i’ll fight to keep you
ass to mouth profiling
you make me complete?
i do know about this stuff
texturally inappropriate
emphatically retracting the statement
yes this is fun for me
i'll never let you go but there’s just one thing
it’s like a retro-pastiche nightmare about a plague
by the way, I’m not wearing underwear
me vs. you
categorically inappropriate
The Less Personally Informative But More Obscure Version of the ABC's of Me
A - APOPLECTIC?: jd'kgfaah[ard;lfkgnaal!!!!!!!!
B - BLACKMAILED?: Not yet, but if you send me a self-addressed stamped envelope, I will send you a detailed list of all my peccadillos.
C - CLONES OR CYBORGS?: Cyborgs. Definitely. Hooray for hydraulics!
D - FAVORITE DOUBLE-ENTENDRE?: Girl walks into a bar and orders a double-entendre from the bartender...so HE GAVE IT TO HER!
E - EBONICS?: Fo shizzle my nizzle.
F - FECKLESS OR FACILE?: I do have a knack for insouciance.
G - GOD-FEARING OR INCREDULOUS?: Hot girls go for incredulity.
H - HABBERDASHER OR HAGGARD?: Well, I'm not a british dandy, so I'll go with the latter.
I - FAVORITE INNUENDO?: Do you want to come over to my place and feed my beaver some wood? (Although beavers do find the term pejorative. They prefer 'vagina squirrel'.)
J - JUNK IN THE TRUNK?: Baby has certainly got back.
K - KETCHUP OR CATSUP?: Ketchup. What? K is hard.
L - LAMBASTED?: Better men than you have tried and failed.
M - MANGINA OR SPAMPURSE?: I do love mangina.
N - NAMBY-PAMBY OR GORMLESS TOMFOOL?: Neither. Cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
O - ON THE WAGON?: On the wha? I don't understand your crazy moon-language.
P - PANTS-LESS OR PANTS-FREE?: I do my best.
Q - QUIRK?: I can't touch unglazed pottery.
R- RECIDIVISM?: No way, man! I can't go back there, man! THEY'LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST!
S - SCOFFLAW?: Arrested once. Stole a cooking pot.
T - TATTOO OF A STICK FIGURE HOLDING A MARTINI GLASS AND WIELDING A SWORD?: Yes please!
U - ULULATIONS?: Mostly cries of Jihad.
V - VAGARY?: My dossier does contain various shenanigans and/or monkeyshines.
W - WALKER, TEXAS RANGER?: Absolutely. Because we all know that Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
X - XERASIA?: My hair is lustrous and well moisturized, thank you.
Y - YEASTY OR CANDIDA-FREE?: I wipe front to back.
Z - ZEE FRENCH MOUSTACHE?: What I do with my downstairs is none of your business!
I'm sorry. I'm all messed up on cough syrup right now, so just like, nevermind.
B - BLACKMAILED?: Not yet, but if you send me a self-addressed stamped envelope, I will send you a detailed list of all my peccadillos.
C - CLONES OR CYBORGS?: Cyborgs. Definitely. Hooray for hydraulics!
D - FAVORITE DOUBLE-ENTENDRE?: Girl walks into a bar and orders a double-entendre from the bartender...so HE GAVE IT TO HER!
E - EBONICS?: Fo shizzle my nizzle.
F - FECKLESS OR FACILE?: I do have a knack for insouciance.
G - GOD-FEARING OR INCREDULOUS?: Hot girls go for incredulity.
H - HABBERDASHER OR HAGGARD?: Well, I'm not a british dandy, so I'll go with the latter.
I - FAVORITE INNUENDO?: Do you want to come over to my place and feed my beaver some wood? (Although beavers do find the term pejorative. They prefer 'vagina squirrel'.)
J - JUNK IN THE TRUNK?: Baby has certainly got back.
K - KETCHUP OR CATSUP?: Ketchup. What? K is hard.
L - LAMBASTED?: Better men than you have tried and failed.
M - MANGINA OR SPAMPURSE?: I do love mangina.
N - NAMBY-PAMBY OR GORMLESS TOMFOOL?: Neither. Cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
O - ON THE WAGON?: On the wha? I don't understand your crazy moon-language.
P - PANTS-LESS OR PANTS-FREE?: I do my best.
Q - QUIRK?: I can't touch unglazed pottery.
R- RECIDIVISM?: No way, man! I can't go back there, man! THEY'LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST!
S - SCOFFLAW?: Arrested once. Stole a cooking pot.
T - TATTOO OF A STICK FIGURE HOLDING A MARTINI GLASS AND WIELDING A SWORD?: Yes please!
U - ULULATIONS?: Mostly cries of Jihad.
V - VAGARY?: My dossier does contain various shenanigans and/or monkeyshines.
W - WALKER, TEXAS RANGER?: Absolutely. Because we all know that Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
X - XERASIA?: My hair is lustrous and well moisturized, thank you.
Y - YEASTY OR CANDIDA-FREE?: I wipe front to back.
Z - ZEE FRENCH MOUSTACHE?: What I do with my downstairs is none of your business!
I'm sorry. I'm all messed up on cough syrup right now, so just like, nevermind.
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