funeral homes and rape fantasies
that's two kinds of healing power
medicine
he wasn't there again today
oh how i wish he'd go away
in heaven everything is fine
happy thanksgiving!
i really don't like pumpkin pie. like, i'd rather eat spark plugs or candles. i'd rather, literally, develop a serious disorder called 'pika' than eat fucking pumpkin pie. and people keep insisting on trying to shove that garbage in my face. all year long even! i mean outside of thanksgiving! it's like a g.d. conspiracy! who has pumpkin pie when it's not thanksgiving? NO ONE! and now that it's ACTUALLY thanksgiving? get the fuck outta here man. STOP TRYING TO SHOVE THAT POISON IN MY FACE! THAT WHIPPED CREAM DOESN'T HELP!!! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!! GAK! PLBT! SPT!
25 plus one random yet disarmingly honest things about me
1. i hate capitalization.
2. i can’t stand unglazed pottery. i absolutely can not lay hands nor eyeballs on the stuff. it makes me want to claw my own skin off. Gggggeeeeeeerrrrrraaaaaaggggggrrrrrraaaaaahhhhh!
3. i am a safe, competent, defensive driver but as soon as i have to park or back up i go all jellybelly and it’s like i’ve never driven a car in my entire life before.
4. i love to cook but i don’t do it as much as i would like and nothing i make ever tastes as good as i want it to.
5. i secretly wish i was a writer but i don’t think that anything i have to say is really important enough to even bother. i have this blog but i assume that anything i put there won’t be seen by anyone except maybe my sister. any time someone tells me they read and/or liked my blog i become a stammering, drooling, thankful dork.
6. i would like to think of myself as a tough, kickassy chick who could smash a face, if need be, but in reality i bruise like a peach which is a constant source of embarrassment to me.
7. i hate it when people tell me all about the book they’re reading and then insist on lending it to me even when i don’t appear interested. i end up resenting the book the entire time it’s in my reluctant possession and i usually don’t read it. yet i love to tell people all about what i’m reading and then try to lend my book to them.
8. i’m really bad at life. i’m in debt, i don’t clean the house or do my laundry enough, i have no personal filing system, i haven’t done my taxes in three years, the list goes on and on and yet i’m uber capable and organized at work. i am slowly shifting my work focus to my home life and i’m optimistic that in around 7 years or so i will be good at life.
9. i almost always wear black and the color black dictates my consumerism habits in general but my favorite color is orange.
10. i strive to always be on time.
11. i want everyone to like me all the time and i use humor to accomplish this. sometimes it works and sometimes i just end up looking like an asshole.
12. i will often attempt to recycle comedy stylings well after their due date has expired.
13. i hate it when people/friends get weird with me for unexplained reasons or for reasons which, even when explained, make no goddamn sense.
14. my superhero power is validating others. i’m very validaty.
15. i often make up words that have no business in the english language.
16. i love little things. baby trees, barbie accessories, newborn’s shoes, etc. because they make me feel HUGE.
17. i made my own tarot deck. it’s weird and dark and quirky and funny and it has nothing at all to do with the actual tarot. ask me to give you a reading!
18. i positively adore quirky, witty, left-brained people.
19. i like baseball and hockey and i enjoy watching competitive sports in a social environment but i hate participating in competitive sports. i hate the pressure of it. even poker raises my blood pressure to an uncomfortable level.
20. i was 32 before i developed a solid work ethic.
21. i had a wonderful group of friends in edmonton but when i moved back to saskatoon it seemed too hard to keep up even the most casual of acquaintanceships and now all i miss is the food.
22. i brush my teeth in the shower.
23. i’ve had whiplash like, i don’t know, 17 times.
24. i like cereal but hate milk.
25. i am not nearly as confident as most people think i am and i pretty much need constant validation.
oh yeah, and i FUCKING LOVE MOUSE MOVIES!
2. i can’t stand unglazed pottery. i absolutely can not lay hands nor eyeballs on the stuff. it makes me want to claw my own skin off. Gggggeeeeeeerrrrrraaaaaaggggggrrrrrraaaaaahhhhh!
3. i am a safe, competent, defensive driver but as soon as i have to park or back up i go all jellybelly and it’s like i’ve never driven a car in my entire life before.
4. i love to cook but i don’t do it as much as i would like and nothing i make ever tastes as good as i want it to.
5. i secretly wish i was a writer but i don’t think that anything i have to say is really important enough to even bother. i have this blog but i assume that anything i put there won’t be seen by anyone except maybe my sister. any time someone tells me they read and/or liked my blog i become a stammering, drooling, thankful dork.
6. i would like to think of myself as a tough, kickassy chick who could smash a face, if need be, but in reality i bruise like a peach which is a constant source of embarrassment to me.
7. i hate it when people tell me all about the book they’re reading and then insist on lending it to me even when i don’t appear interested. i end up resenting the book the entire time it’s in my reluctant possession and i usually don’t read it. yet i love to tell people all about what i’m reading and then try to lend my book to them.
8. i’m really bad at life. i’m in debt, i don’t clean the house or do my laundry enough, i have no personal filing system, i haven’t done my taxes in three years, the list goes on and on and yet i’m uber capable and organized at work. i am slowly shifting my work focus to my home life and i’m optimistic that in around 7 years or so i will be good at life.
9. i almost always wear black and the color black dictates my consumerism habits in general but my favorite color is orange.
10. i strive to always be on time.
11. i want everyone to like me all the time and i use humor to accomplish this. sometimes it works and sometimes i just end up looking like an asshole.
12. i will often attempt to recycle comedy stylings well after their due date has expired.
13. i hate it when people/friends get weird with me for unexplained reasons or for reasons which, even when explained, make no goddamn sense.
14. my superhero power is validating others. i’m very validaty.
15. i often make up words that have no business in the english language.
16. i love little things. baby trees, barbie accessories, newborn’s shoes, etc. because they make me feel HUGE.
17. i made my own tarot deck. it’s weird and dark and quirky and funny and it has nothing at all to do with the actual tarot. ask me to give you a reading!
18. i positively adore quirky, witty, left-brained people.
19. i like baseball and hockey and i enjoy watching competitive sports in a social environment but i hate participating in competitive sports. i hate the pressure of it. even poker raises my blood pressure to an uncomfortable level.
20. i was 32 before i developed a solid work ethic.
21. i had a wonderful group of friends in edmonton but when i moved back to saskatoon it seemed too hard to keep up even the most casual of acquaintanceships and now all i miss is the food.
22. i brush my teeth in the shower.
23. i’ve had whiplash like, i don’t know, 17 times.
24. i like cereal but hate milk.
25. i am not nearly as confident as most people think i am and i pretty much need constant validation.
oh yeah, and i FUCKING LOVE MOUSE MOVIES!
guess the inspiration
what can’t we fake if we're together?
something unnatural and it’s only happening to us
commercial advertisements for glowering demons
i gave birth to a pterodactyl
murmur volumes of your investigations
proportionally inappropriate
i’ll fight to keep you
ass to mouth profiling
you make me complete?
i do know about this stuff
texturally inappropriate
emphatically retracting the statement
yes this is fun for me
i'll never let you go but there’s just one thing
it’s like a retro-pastiche nightmare about a plague
by the way, I’m not wearing underwear
me vs. you
categorically inappropriate
something unnatural and it’s only happening to us
commercial advertisements for glowering demons
i gave birth to a pterodactyl
murmur volumes of your investigations
proportionally inappropriate
i’ll fight to keep you
ass to mouth profiling
you make me complete?
i do know about this stuff
texturally inappropriate
emphatically retracting the statement
yes this is fun for me
i'll never let you go but there’s just one thing
it’s like a retro-pastiche nightmare about a plague
by the way, I’m not wearing underwear
me vs. you
categorically inappropriate
The Less Personally Informative But More Obscure Version of the ABC's of Me
A - APOPLECTIC?: jd'kgfaah[ard;lfkgnaal!!!!!!!!
B - BLACKMAILED?: Not yet, but if you send me a self-addressed stamped envelope, I will send you a detailed list of all my peccadillos.
C - CLONES OR CYBORGS?: Cyborgs. Definitely. Hooray for hydraulics!
D - FAVORITE DOUBLE-ENTENDRE?: Girl walks into a bar and orders a double-entendre from the bartender...so HE GAVE IT TO HER!
E - EBONICS?: Fo shizzle my nizzle.
F - FECKLESS OR FACILE?: I do have a knack for insouciance.
G - GOD-FEARING OR INCREDULOUS?: Hot girls go for incredulity.
H - HABBERDASHER OR HAGGARD?: Well, I'm not a british dandy, so I'll go with the latter.
I - FAVORITE INNUENDO?: Do you want to come over to my place and feed my beaver some wood? (Although beavers do find the term pejorative. They prefer 'vagina squirrel'.)
J - JUNK IN THE TRUNK?: Baby has certainly got back.
K - KETCHUP OR CATSUP?: Ketchup. What? K is hard.
L - LAMBASTED?: Better men than you have tried and failed.
M - MANGINA OR SPAMPURSE?: I do love mangina.
N - NAMBY-PAMBY OR GORMLESS TOMFOOL?: Neither. Cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
O - ON THE WAGON?: On the wha? I don't understand your crazy moon-language.
P - PANTS-LESS OR PANTS-FREE?: I do my best.
Q - QUIRK?: I can't touch unglazed pottery.
R- RECIDIVISM?: No way, man! I can't go back there, man! THEY'LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST!
S - SCOFFLAW?: Arrested once. Stole a cooking pot.
T - TATTOO OF A STICK FIGURE HOLDING A MARTINI GLASS AND WIELDING A SWORD?: Yes please!
U - ULULATIONS?: Mostly cries of Jihad.
V - VAGARY?: My dossier does contain various shenanigans and/or monkeyshines.
W - WALKER, TEXAS RANGER?: Absolutely. Because we all know that Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
X - XERASIA?: My hair is lustrous and well moisturized, thank you.
Y - YEASTY OR CANDIDA-FREE?: I wipe front to back.
Z - ZEE FRENCH MOUSTACHE?: What I do with my downstairs is none of your business!
I'm sorry. I'm all messed up on cough syrup right now, so just like, nevermind.
B - BLACKMAILED?: Not yet, but if you send me a self-addressed stamped envelope, I will send you a detailed list of all my peccadillos.
C - CLONES OR CYBORGS?: Cyborgs. Definitely. Hooray for hydraulics!
D - FAVORITE DOUBLE-ENTENDRE?: Girl walks into a bar and orders a double-entendre from the bartender...so HE GAVE IT TO HER!
E - EBONICS?: Fo shizzle my nizzle.
F - FECKLESS OR FACILE?: I do have a knack for insouciance.
G - GOD-FEARING OR INCREDULOUS?: Hot girls go for incredulity.
H - HABBERDASHER OR HAGGARD?: Well, I'm not a british dandy, so I'll go with the latter.
I - FAVORITE INNUENDO?: Do you want to come over to my place and feed my beaver some wood? (Although beavers do find the term pejorative. They prefer 'vagina squirrel'.)
J - JUNK IN THE TRUNK?: Baby has certainly got back.
K - KETCHUP OR CATSUP?: Ketchup. What? K is hard.
L - LAMBASTED?: Better men than you have tried and failed.
M - MANGINA OR SPAMPURSE?: I do love mangina.
N - NAMBY-PAMBY OR GORMLESS TOMFOOL?: Neither. Cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
O - ON THE WAGON?: On the wha? I don't understand your crazy moon-language.
P - PANTS-LESS OR PANTS-FREE?: I do my best.
Q - QUIRK?: I can't touch unglazed pottery.
R- RECIDIVISM?: No way, man! I can't go back there, man! THEY'LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST!
S - SCOFFLAW?: Arrested once. Stole a cooking pot.
T - TATTOO OF A STICK FIGURE HOLDING A MARTINI GLASS AND WIELDING A SWORD?: Yes please!
U - ULULATIONS?: Mostly cries of Jihad.
V - VAGARY?: My dossier does contain various shenanigans and/or monkeyshines.
W - WALKER, TEXAS RANGER?: Absolutely. Because we all know that Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
X - XERASIA?: My hair is lustrous and well moisturized, thank you.
Y - YEASTY OR CANDIDA-FREE?: I wipe front to back.
Z - ZEE FRENCH MOUSTACHE?: What I do with my downstairs is none of your business!
I'm sorry. I'm all messed up on cough syrup right now, so just like, nevermind.
i can feel your heartbeat in the centre of my back
your contrary nature intrudes on my spine so i press closer and oversubscribe to your oversights.
i close my eyes until redemption songs, car bombs, evolution and bravado fill the space between my lips and my battle cry.
you batter at me with your carking doubts and your carnal knowledge until i consent to your gateway drug, your groupthink, your Gruyère.
gypsy moths smash themselves into the light and their homogeny is depressing so you tell me stories of gaucho goths, blushing vicars, blooming ghosts, surgical procedures and docile animals waiting for little deaths.
i ask for a do-over and with epiphanic generosity you forgive my feckless feminine caritas and we entwine and we drink and we find in this bed some tidy vanity, a tangential resolution and the rabbit's foot that we had been looking for all along.
i close my eyes until redemption songs, car bombs, evolution and bravado fill the space between my lips and my battle cry.
you batter at me with your carking doubts and your carnal knowledge until i consent to your gateway drug, your groupthink, your Gruyère.
gypsy moths smash themselves into the light and their homogeny is depressing so you tell me stories of gaucho goths, blushing vicars, blooming ghosts, surgical procedures and docile animals waiting for little deaths.
i ask for a do-over and with epiphanic generosity you forgive my feckless feminine caritas and we entwine and we drink and we find in this bed some tidy vanity, a tangential resolution and the rabbit's foot that we had been looking for all along.
Friends with ADD (and it's hyperactive cousin ADHD)
Some delightful friends were in town this weekend from the steaming metropolis of Toronto. It was so great to spend even the tiniest bit of time with them as Todd and Robert are two of the most hilarious and beautiful people on the planet, not to mention the sweetest couple ever. They have perfected the art of cute banter where they can get away with little barbs and take shots at each other because they know it's meant entirely in fun. They have developed their own language and they have a little clicky sound that they make if they are in a crowd and want to get the other person's attention. They are constantly aware of each other and let each other know what's going on at any given time (just in case one of them has drifted out - which people with ADD do tend to do.)
Todd is all over the place (due to rampant ADD which, apparently, is helped by massive doses of E once a month...go figure). He can simultaneously carry on a conversation with 3 of the 4 cats in the house, play with matches, change his outfit, create a new business plan, smoke a joint and hire a dog to burn down a hospital. I'm hard pressed to get past my complete incredulity to come up with pithy ripostes to his wild irreverence (but I manage okay).
Robert is one of the most beautiful Italian men ever (women basically throw their cunts at him - in Home Depot no less! - especially when he wears his cute little tam from H & M) and he makes the meanest cup of Italian coffee I've ever had. He's soft spoken but not shy and is just as funny and attentionally challenged as Todd. His style is im-fucking-peccable.
The two of them should have their own blog but according to Todd he would get 3 sentences in and then tell the reader to 'figure it out for yourself'!
I wish more people were as free-spirited as these beautiful men. Love you boys!
Todd is all over the place (due to rampant ADD which, apparently, is helped by massive doses of E once a month...go figure). He can simultaneously carry on a conversation with 3 of the 4 cats in the house, play with matches, change his outfit, create a new business plan, smoke a joint and hire a dog to burn down a hospital. I'm hard pressed to get past my complete incredulity to come up with pithy ripostes to his wild irreverence (but I manage okay).
Robert is one of the most beautiful Italian men ever (women basically throw their cunts at him - in Home Depot no less! - especially when he wears his cute little tam from H & M) and he makes the meanest cup of Italian coffee I've ever had. He's soft spoken but not shy and is just as funny and attentionally challenged as Todd. His style is im-fucking-peccable.
The two of them should have their own blog but according to Todd he would get 3 sentences in and then tell the reader to 'figure it out for yourself'!
I wish more people were as free-spirited as these beautiful men. Love you boys!
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